What is elder daughter syndrome and how does it affect your other relationships?

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In an Indian household, being born as the first child has its own set of challenges. You are expected to take charge of family matters and, after a certain point, you have an active role to play in the family’s primary decisions.

When the firstborn child is a girl, an unspoken responsibility envelops her life, (it’s primarily the maternal instincts that come into play). She willingly assumes the duty of prioritising her family over anything else, and there exists a distinct protective instinct that can be difficult to overcome.

Of course, the birth order plays a significant role in influencing the development of each child.

While birth order effects have been extensively studied, one lesser-known phenomenon that has garnered attention online is the elder daughter syndrome.

What is the elder daughter syndrome?

Relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh described elder daughter syndrome as a psychological phenomenon where usually the eldest daughter assumes a certain level of responsibility within the family.

“Elder Daughter Syndrome (EDS) stems from birth order dynamics within families. It has a set of behavioural patterns and personality traits shaped by the roles of responsibility, authority and caretaking that firstborn daughters often assume/or are given to her from an early age,” she said.

This syndrome is also known as parentification.

Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, shared that the syndrome is caused by factors such as parental disability, illness, substance misuse, or emotional unavailability.

New research to the rescue

What was once coined to describe the protective and responsible nature of older sisters, the term “elder daughter syndrome” is now finding a new foothold as it has now got support from new research by a team at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA).

Elder daughter syndrome is not listed as a physical diagnosis. However, a recent study has uncovered new evidence supporting the relatability of elder daughter syndrome for many women who are the firstborn in their families.

The research team at UCLA found that firstborn daughters often mature earlier than usual, which prepares them to take on caretaker responsibilities for their younger siblings.

The researchers further found out that the impact on early brain development was observed solely in firstborn daughters, with minimal to no effect on the brain development of firstborn boys.

“One reason that we didn’t find this effect in firstborn children who are sons could be that male children help less often with direct childcare than female children do, so mothers have less of an adaptive incentive to speed their social pubertal development,” Jennifer Hahn-Holbrook, one of the co-authors of the study and an assistant professor of psychology at the University of California, Merced, said.

Do you have elder daughter syndrome

You probably possess these symptoms yet fail to acknowledge or even consider them as a problem to address.

However, if you really want to know whether you fall into this bracket, here are some signs, as suggested by Dr Tugnait:

• Excessive responsibility:You may assume an excessive number of family responsibilities, such as financial management, cooking, cleaning, and caring for younger siblings or parents. These duties frequently exceed what is normal for someone of her age.
• Parental reliance: The parents rely extensively on you for emotional support, decision-making, and practical aid, regarding you as a partner or co-parent rather than a child.
• Lack of childhood experiences: Due to your family responsibilities, you are deprived of age-appropriate activities, social interactions, and experiences. You may have restricted options for play, rest, and personal development.
• Parentified behaviour: You may exhibit behaviours and mindsets that are typical of a parent or adult, such as being overly mature, responsible, or protective of younger siblings or parents.
• Boundary issues: The lines between parent and kid are blurred, with you taking on duties and authority that should be reserved for parents.
• Guilt and resentment: You may feel guilty for failing to meet the perceived responsibilities, or feel resentful towards your parents or siblings for the burden they have put on you.
• Difficulty creating boundaries: As an adult, you may struggle to impose boundaries and say “no” to others’ demands, since you have been conditioned to put others’ needs before her own.

However, Dr Tugnait added, “It is important to note that not all families with the eldest daughter exhibit the same signs and symptoms, and the severity of the elder daughter syndrome varies. Recognising these signs, on the other hand, can aid in identifying possible problems and implementing interventions to foster healthy family dynamics and age-appropriate roles.

How does it affect other relationships, for good or bad?

Elder Daughter Syndrome can have both positive and negative effects on relationships.

“The sense of responsibility, resilience and ambition associated with EDS can contribute to strong leadership qualities and determination for success. This can be beneficial in a professional and personal context,” Ruchi Ruuh said.

“However, EDS may also lead to challenges in interpersonal relationships, such as difficulty expressing vulnerability, establishing boundaries, and prioritising self-care. This can be detrimental to relationships and contribute to emotional stress for both the women and family,” she further added.

Highlighting the positives, Dr Chandni Tugnait said, “Early exposure to complicated family dynamics and enormous obligations might promote maturity, problem-solving abilities, and emotional intelligence. These skills can help you negotiate interpersonal challenges and form strong, supportive connections.”

How to overcome elder daughter syndrome?

While taking charge of your household is part of your responsibility to fulfil, however, you need to make sure you don’t carry the burden of it when you step out. While some can exploit this attribute, others can be repelled by this behaviour.

Relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh suggests how you can overcome or at least keep a check if you have EDS:

• “Increasing self-awareness about the fact that you assumed or were given this role in family dynamics, and it no longer serves a healthy purpose. It can help firstborn daughters understand how their upbringing has influenced their behaviour and relationships.
• “Learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is essential for every individual with EDS. This involves prioritising personal needs, asserting oneself when necessary, and learning to say no without guilt.
• “EDS makes it difficult for an individual to seek support and be vulnerable. If you find yourself struggling please seek support from a trusted friend, family or even therapy. Opening up to others and expressing emotions authentically can be a transformative experience.
• “Practice self-compassion and allow yourself to be imperfect to overcome EDS. Learning to accept oneself, flaws and all, can alleviate the pressure to constantly strive for perfection and promote greater self-acceptance and fulfillment.”

Remember

Being an elder daughter is not a punishment and it doesn’t mean taking responsibility comes with a cost.

So, next time you’re overwhelmed by the weight of expectations, take a breath and remind yourself that it’s okay to ask for help, to set boundaries, and to be vulnerable. After all, being the eldest daughter doesn’t mean you have to be a superhero all the time.

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