Trauma Bonding

As I sat down to write this report, I wondered what a complicated equation could be between two people! Suppose you are in a marital or love relationship. The person on the opposite side will be a place of mental trust for you, this is normal. But what if he insults, insults, neglects you at times? Or mental, physical, and emotional abuse? You’ll get hurt, that’s normal! But what if he wins the mind again by saying ‘sugar-coated’? You will also melt away by forgetting all his wounds and pains. Simply put, this is ‘trauma bonding’. That is, you are going back to the person who is hurting you and abusing you again and again. Excuse me. But how do people forget their injuries? Why do you want to return to a mate who may be unforgivable in the eyes of others?

Dr. Chandni Tugnait Trauma bonding is not “love”! Delhi-based psychotherapist, life coach and healer. Chandni Tugnait spoke about the complex psychological structure behind ‘trauma bonding’. To a large extent, it is related to one’s personality strength and emotional vulnerability. “We think that if someone abuses or hurts us, maybe we can get out of the relationship. It’s not that easy. I myself was traumatically bonded with a friend at one point! Imagine, for 16 years, I have been helping people to heal, but I couldn’t come out,” says Chandni. Simply put, someone needs to have a deep emotional attachment for trauma bonding. But even if that person is a place of your trust, he will be manipulated and behaved badly in the relationship. Just as there are good moments, there are also very bad moments. This kind of ‘bonding’ begins with a lot of love and affection. Then there is the occasional ‘abuse’. Not only physical abuse, but also emotional or financial abuse. If there is harassment or abuse, the person on the opposite side (i.e., who is at the receiving end) is initially ‘shocked’. He can cry, he can protest. He also talked about leaving the relationship. But when the abuser apologizes, when he talks about love, he forgets everything. Then the psyche works in such a way that the good moments in the relationship dominate your brain. As a result, he forgave the abuser. This happens again, the ‘pattern’ or ‘cycle’ of abuse remains the same. But the relationship is not broken! “It’s like a little reward after the pen.” You know, you get some love after a fight. Secondly, when the ‘cycle’ of love after suffering happens again and again, the emotional dependence on the abuser becomes stronger. It should be understood that the nervous system works behind it. This feeling is caused by neurobiological changes. It’s hard to mistake it for love! When you are stressed, the body produces the hormone cortisol, and whenever you get a little love, dopamine-oxytocin is produced. Hormones also get confused when such incidents happen! The same person who is hurting you is giving you love again,” says Chandni. Is it so easy to get out? Trauma bonds aren’t just about romantic relationships. It can also be with parents, bosses or friends. Where there is dependence, there is a risk of this happening. Many people don’t even realize that he is ‘trauma bonded’! “A lot of people come up to me and say they understand they’re in a toxic relationship. He wants to get out. But you can’t. When I tell them to block the toxic person, they have withdrawal symptoms. The nervous system really wants to get back to the old dramas,” says Chandni. This does not mean that no one can ever get out of such a situation. But it’s not easy. In most cases, it is difficult to understand when entering into a relationship that the person on the opposite side can behave in such an unpleasant manner. In many cases, there are red flags. Many people can easily cover up those red flags. As a result, when the partner wants to apologize after being abused for the first time, most people trust him. No one thinks that it can lead to trauma bonds! When it reaches the traumatic stage, the relationship is also old, mature. And the people around them often say, ‘You’re going through a tough time’ or ‘Be patient, everything will be fine’… Many people think that they will break the relationship for a ‘small’ thing! It’s not small, and it’s hard to understand that it won’t change. Why so much dependence? Everybody wants to get attention today. But it’s not that everyone gets it constantly. Maybe sometimes you get validation on social media. The connection between people is also decreasing. In such a world, many people want to embrace the relationships that exist. They are afraid of loneliness. Again, one of the reasons for emotional dependency can be a lack of confidence. Some people are afraid to protest even when they see the red flag. You can’t say “no” to your face. “Two people have to have strong chemistry when it comes to trauma bonding. If a stranger is harassed, it will be at the level of harassment. If there is a relationship between the two, one party assumes that it is love. But in reality, it may be a red flag. Educated, aware, urban people are also trapped. They kept convincing themselves that their partner misbehaved because of a temporary mistake,” says Chandni. What to do? First of all, it is important to understand that such relationships are not healthy. Understanding this, you have to create some distance from the person on the opposite side. Physical, mental and economic distancing is required. It’s hard to live in the same house. But many people are far away, but they repeatedly check their partner’s story on Instagram-WhatsApp. He also checks if he has seen your story or post. They need to be reduced gradually. The nervous system is everything, so it will take time to change. “You can get help from your family. Seek professional help if needed. Because, many people in the family do not know about trauma bonding. Many families also argue about healthy relationships. Most importantly, if you don’t value your own merit and self-respect, you can become trauma bonded,” he said. “Look at other people’s relationship patterns,” he said. Practice mindfulness, journaling, breathing techniques. Overall, it’s important to build confidence in yourself. Character consistency is important. If you want to be in a relationship, be in a healthy relationship, so that both parties are respected. Contact: 8800006786 (Dr. Chandni Tugnait, Founder- Gateway of Healing)