Clash of clans: Festive edit

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Sigh. Another festive season. Another dolled-up family party. Another trap. Relatives want to know why you’re not married, why your start-up hasn’t got Series A funding, why your waistline isn’t what it was 10 years ago, and why your Insta is private.

“The thought of being in a zone where one’s life choices are constantly judged pushes people away from family celebrations,” says Bengaluru psychotherapist and relationship coach, Delna Rajesh. Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, Gurugram, adds that being exposed to judgement about a year’s worth of life choices tends to make people feel worse about their decisions.

Set boundaries, both say. It’s not just okay, it’s actually empowering. Amid the laughter and the sweets, everyone’s watching and silently taking cues on how to treat younger relatives who’ve grown up. It’s your responsibility to help others understand how they can or cannot treat you,” says Rajesh.

~I n Kapoor and Sons (2016), the two brothers have to deal with family drama, annoying relatives and love problems. It’s exhausting.

~ In Encanto (2021, top), Mirabel learns to hold her own against her overbearing relatives. In Silver Linings Playbook (2012, above), both characters have to navigate the complicated relationships they have with their own families.

● Wrest power early. Volunteer to pay for one event or one meal, so you’re seen as a contributor, rather than a passive participant. “Organise a family art project,” recommends Dr Tugnait. Not only does it give idle chatters something to do, “it channels your authentic self into something that adds value to the gathering”.

● And keep busy. Take on specific tasks that give you purpose and space. Take charge of photography or recording family stories. “This role naturally allows you to observe rather than participate while still being valued,” says Tugnait. Rajesh recommends setting up karaoke. “Frame the activities as ways to make memories,” she says.

● Zone it out. Demarcate a no-WiFi area, where older folks can nap without the kids rushing in. Set up a corner for cards or board games, or plug in a kettle and put out mugs and tea bags by one window. “This segregation manages interactions without explicit restrictions,” says Tugnait.

● Do the prep. Anticipate jabs and keep a response ready. If a relative criticises your career choices, use the future-focus technique, says Tugnait. Instead of defending your current position, share an upcoming project, which shifts the conversation from judgement to interest. If there’s constant, and unfavourable comparison with a sibling, use the collective-celebration approach, and express happiness over their progress. For any nosy remarks, remember the appreciate-and-redirect method: Acknowledge the comment, then ask an unrelated question of your own. It puts the spotlight on the curious folks for a change.

● Play the reverse card. Older folks tend to see the world through a different lens. So, if someone’s opinion of you seems wanting, offer to teach them something you’re good at. Set up their Instagram, explain how phishing scams work, tell them why India loves Korean dramas. “This positions you as knowledgeable rather than different,” says Tugnait. And instead of defending your unconventional career, ask them for a small, calculated favour. Request their advice on a specific skill they have excelled at. “This creates a connection through your differences rather than despite them,” she adds.