The biggest dating mistake? Looking for love when you feel empty

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New Delhi:

There’s a difference between wanting love and needing it just to feel okay. It’s not always obvious, but it shows up in the way we choose people.

  Loneliness has a quiet urgency to it. It nudges decisions, lowers boundaries, and makes connection feel like something that can’t wait. Over time, that urgency starts shaping who we let in. “Loneliness is not just an emotional state. It can alter how we perceive connection and influence our relationship choices,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait, MD (A.M), psychotherapist, life alchemist, coach and healer, and founder and director of Gateway of Healing.

Why loneliness makes the wrong people feel right

When you’ve been alone for a while, even the smallest gestures can feel amplified. A text back, a little attention, a sense of being seen, it all hits differently. That’s often where the line blurs. “In emotionally vulnerable states, individuals may mistake temporary comfort for compatibility,” Dr Tugnait explains. “The need to feel connected can override one’s usual sense of discernment.” You start adjusting your expectations without realising it. Red flags feel less urgent. Things you would question at another time begin to feel manageable.

The pattern many relationships quietly follow

Relationships that begin in loneliness often move quickly. There’s intensity, closeness, and a strong sense of relief at not being alone anymore. For a while, that feeling carries everything. But once it settles, clarity tends to follow. “What initially feels like a strong connection may actually be a response to emotional deprivation rather than a true alignment between two people,” says Dr Tugnait. That’s when doubts begin to surface. You start to see the person more clearly, and sometimes, the connection doesn’t hold in the same way.

What being ‘whole’ actually means

Being whole is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean being perfect or having everything figured out. It means you’re not asking someone else to fill something you haven’t addressed within yourself. “Being emotionally whole is about having a stable relationship with yourself,” Dr Tugnait notes. “It allows you to enter relationships from a place of choice, not dependency.” You’re still human, still evolving, but you’re not relying on another person to define your sense of worth or stability.

Doing the slower, less visible work

This part rarely gets talked about, but it matters the most. It could mean sitting with your own thoughts instead of rushing to escape them. It could mean understanding your patterns, what you’re drawn to, what you tolerate, and why. “Self-awareness and emotional regulation are key before entering a relationship,” Dr Tugnait adds. “Without that foundation, people often repeat cycles that leave them feeling unfulfilled.” It’s not quick work. But it’s the kind that changes what you accept going forward.

The difference it makes

When you meet someone from a more grounded place, things feel different. You’re not overwhelmed by attention. You’re not trying to hold on at all costs. You’re able to see things clearly, without projecting what you hope the relationship will become.  And that clarity changes everything, from what you choose to what you walk away from. Loneliness can make love feel urgent. But urgency is not the same as readiness. “Healthy relationships are built when individuals feel secure within themselves, not when they are seeking someone to escape their inner discomfort,” Dr Tugnait says. The shift is simple, but not easy. Stop chasing connection just to feel less alone. Start choosing it when it actually feels right.

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