In Under The Bridge (2024), the main character couldn’t stand up to her friends or draw proper boundaries, because she was so desperate to be liked. It didn’t end well for her.
Oh, to be the easy-going one! The one who’s okay with wherever the gang picks for dinner, who’ll drink whatever they’re serving, who rarely disagrees. Makes life so easy, for everyone. Except maybe for them?
Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, a mental-health organisation, says that most people pleasers can’t help it.
“Childhood experiences, especially in households where affection or approval was contingent on meeting others’ expectations,” are probably why, as adults, some people avoid disagreement or conflict. It’s easier for them to endlessly prioritise others’ needs over their own.
So, how to tell if you or a loved one is simply chill or low-key manipulable? Relationships without boundaries aren’t healthy. No one wants to feel like an unwitting bully.
“Over time, the people pleaser starts feeling resentful, while the other person can become overly dependent or even start taking them for granted,” says Dr Wilona Annunciation, psychiatrist and founder at Catalysts Clinic. Bad news either way. Here’s how to right the balance.
● Are you a pushover?
Track how many of these statements apply to you
Online:
Do you constantly adjust your posts to increase likes rather than present your opinions?
At work:
Do you stay back late or take on extra duties, even if it interferes with your personal life?
When dating:
Do you accept uninteresting dates or fake some hobbies in order to appear more appealing?
On the group chat:
Even if you don’t want to, are you always the one who organises events or mediates confrontations?
With choices:
Do you end up reading, watching, booking or buying something primarily because someone recommended it, even though it’s not really your vibe?
With boundaries:
If someone cancels on you or shows up late for the third time, do you say, “Let me know when you are free next time,” instead of “Let’s find a better way to stay connected”?
● If this is you, or someone you know, this is what to do
Watch the clock.
Clearly communicate your working hours. Learn to say “no” to tasks that are not part of your job.
Get real.
On dates, be open about your preferences right away.
Share the load.
Ask friends and family to take turns planning activities. Stop mediating conflicts that do not affect you.
Flip the script.
Instead of saying “I don’t mind” or “I’m okay with whatever you decide” prep yourself to say “This is okay, but how about I decide the next time around?” says Tugnait.
Audit your life.
Look at stores, brands and the accounts you follow, and decide if you’d still give them your attention or money if it wasn’t for someone else’s recommendation.
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