Most mothers are not struggling in ways that are obviously visible or seem dramatic. Their struggle often remains quiet, as they persistently feel a gap between their true emotions and what they deem safe to express. They do not feel fine but say they are, unable to cope, yet still perform coping behaviours. When she is present in the room, but absent in ways nobody around her can quite see, this is what the happy mother performance looks like in practice.
“It is not a conscious choice so much as a conditioned one, shaped by years of absorbing what maternal emotion is considered acceptable and what is better kept private. Understanding why so many mothers live inside this gap is less about individual mindset and more about what the role of motherhood has historically been allowed to demand from women, and what it has never quite allowed them to say back” Psychotherapist
Dr Chandni Tugnait, Coach & Healer, tells Health Shots.
Where does it begin?
When she feels overwhelmed, isolated, or ambivalent, the gap between her feelings and what she considers acceptable to express becomes immediately clear. She was uncomfortable. The expected societal script is that of unbound joy, fulfilment, and unconditional love. “But when what she actually feels is overwhelm, isolation, or ambivalence, the gap between what is felt and what is considered acceptable to express becomes immediately apparent”, says the psychotherapist. Most women learn early to manage that gap privately rather than face judgment, unwanted advice, or the quiet withdrawal of support.
How to keep your identity in motherhood?
A mother who admits she is struggling risks being perceived as ungrateful, inadequate, or as someone who does not love her children enough, because maternal identity carries a unique social weight. “These are not rational conclusions, but they are common ones, and most mothers know it, and hence the performance continues”, says Dr Tugnait. It shows up in the cheerful response to ‘how are you managing?’, the curated version of family life on social media, and in the smile held together through a particularly difficult bedtime. It is sustained not by vanity but by self-protection.
How to undo emotional numbness?
The energy required to maintain a performance that contradicts what is actually going on is not minor. “Over time, the disconnect between what you feel and what you express intensifies the original stress. When you consistently suppress emotions, they do not disappear. Instead, they show irritability, physical fatigue, emotional numbness, or detachment from a life that appears too perfect from the outside,” says the expert.
What actually helps?
The solution isn’t dramatic disclosure or public speaking, but finding even small safe spaces for honesty. “A single relationship where a mother can seek without performance, judgment, or pressure to reframe her struggle as a lesson or blessing greatly changes her internal dialogue” says the expert. Being accurately witnessed means recognising you as the real mother, not just the happy one. For many women, it is the difference between coping and not.
The happy-mother performance isn’t a personal failing but a rational response to an environment that makes it hard to express an honest maternal experience safely. “The problem was never that mothers were unwilling to be honest, but that honesty hasn’t received the response it deserves for too long,” shares the expert. When a mother says she’s struggling and receives advice instead of acknowledgement, she encounters comparison rather than compassion, or discomfort rather than presence. She quickly learns and adjusts. The performance is not a weakness; rather, it is a response to a truth with no safe space.
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