Can Valentine’s Day cause relationship fights? A therapist explains why

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Valentine’s Day is meant to celebrate love. Yet for many couples, it quietly exposes tension. “Valentine’s Day can cause a rift in couples, but not because love is lacking,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait, MD (A.M), psychotherapist, life coach and founder of Gateway of Healing. “It happens because the day carries emotional weight that often goes unspoken.”

What looks like an argument about dinner reservations or effort is usually about something deeper, feeling valued, prioritised, or emotionally understood.

When expectations don’t match

One of the most common triggers is mismatched meaning. “One partner may see Valentine’s Day as meaningful and symbolic,” Dr Tugnait explains, “while the other sees it as optional or overly commercial.” Neither is wrong. But when those meanings aren’t discussed, disappointment lands hard. “The hurt partner feels overlooked. The other feels unfairly pressured. Both feel misunderstood.” Without clarity, a simple difference in perspective becomes a personal rejection.

When one evening is expected to fix everything

Valentine’s Day can also magnify unresolved issues. “If there has been distance, resentment or unmet needs, the day becomes a spotlight,” she says. Sometimes, one partner silently hopes the occasion will bring reassurance, a gesture that signals change or renewed effort. But expecting one evening to repair months of emotional strain is rarely realistic. “A single day cannot carry the weight of unresolved conversations,” Dr Tugnait notes. When those hopes aren’t met, old frustrations resurface quickly, and often intensely.

The pressure to perform love

There is also a cultural script around “doing Valentine’s Day right”. Many people suppress their true feelings to avoid spoiling the day. They go along with plans, smile through tension, and prioritise presentation over authenticity. “Unspoken emotions don’t disappear,” Dr Tugnait says. “They show up later as irritation, withdrawal, or conflict.” Love becomes something to manage rather than something to experience.

When Valentine’s Day becomes a test

The problem isn’t the day itself. It’s how it is framed. “Valentine’s Day causes a rift when it is treated as a test instead of a conversation,” she explains. When couples use the day as a measure, of effort, devotion, or priority, it sets up a pass-or-fail dynamic. That pressure can distort even healthy relationships. Couples who discuss expectations openly, including what feels meaningful and what feels excessive, tend to experience far less tension. “The day itself is neutral,” Dr Tugnait adds. “It simply reveals where communication is missing.”

How to soften the rift

Instead of asking Valentine’s Day to prove the relationship, she suggests using it as an opportunity for understanding. Ask:

• What does this day mean to you?
• What would make you feel appreciated?
• What feels overwhelming or unnecessary?

When partners approach the day with curiosity rather than assumption, the emotional temperature drops. “Love grows through honesty, not performance,” Dr Tugnait says. Valentine’s Day doesn’t create cracks in a relationship. It reveals them. Handled with pressure, it becomes a test. Handled with openness, it becomes a conversation. The roses and reservations matter far less than the willingness to understand each other, and that is what ultimately determines whether the day divides or deepens connection.

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