Immediately after finishing her MBA at a top-rated grad school, 25-year-old Antara landed a cushy job in a multinational corporation based in Bengaluru. The self-described ‘privileged princess’ from Delhi moved lock, stock and barrel to a city she had never set foot in earlier, intimidated and excited in equal measure.
Once the apartment had been found, her professional role understood, and the exigencies of daily life put on track, the loneliness of her new environs descended upon her in full force. She socialised with colleagues, joined an art class and began jogging in the local area, hoping to make a friend, but to no avail.
The only person who regularly interacted with her in the first few months was her landlady’s 22-year-old son, Shravan. “He was younger than me and far from my ‘type’, but I enjoyed his company and would call him over frequently to watch a movie, eat a meal or just chat.
I never felt anything beyond friendly feelings for him. For me, he was the nice guy who was always around. When an ex-boyfriend of mine visited Bengaluru, I invited him to stay at my place, as he didn’t know anyone else in the city. Shravan found out and got so mad at me. He made a huge scene. I was shocked.
I never thought he took our ‘hanging out’ so seriously. Things got so ugly between us that eventually, I had to move out of the flat,” says Antara, speaking candidly of her first-ever ‘situationship’, which she wasn’t even aware she was in.
On the other end of the spectrum is 27-year-old Gautam, a data analyst in Mumbai, who has been in a convenient situationship for the last six years and shows no signs of taking it to the next level or ending it. Sharing his story, he says, “Mrinalini was teaching a course in digital marketing, which I attended. She is 39 years old, divorced, a single mother and very attractive.
We immediately connected over many common interests and as soon as the course ended, started sleeping together.
She was, however, clear from the start that she would never get into a serious relationship. She’d had a bad marriage and didn’t want to put her children through any more mental torture. I couldn’t have asked for a better situation. I’m not interested in getting married or being tied down at the moment.
Though I love spending time with Mrinalini, I don’t really view her as ‘wife material’. So, it’s a win-win for both of us.” It works for some and doesn’t for others. The situationship is a complicated new term for an age-old concept: the undefined relationship.
The couple in question are often more than friends, are certainly more than friends with benefits, yet are less serious than those who identify themselves as being in a traditional ‘relationship’.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines situationship as a “romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established”, but it is the definition outlined in the Urban Dictionary, which catches its true irony when it says situationships occur when people take part in a relationship, but out of fear of making things serious or messy, do not label it, leading to the said relationship becoming more serious and messier.
So, what does this mean for those navigating the confusing environment of modern love? Let’s find out.
The Good
Situationships have taken on a widespread and important meaning in recent years. According to the ‘Year in Swipe’ report 2022, an annual survey conducted by the dating app Tinder, young singles (the survey age group consisted of people aged 18-25) is beginning to own the situationship as a valid relationship status.
Data shows that Tinder saw a 49 per cent increase in members adding ‘situationship’ as a new relationship intention to their profiles and over one in 10 said they prefer situationships as a way to develop a relationship with less pressure.
Prasant, a 22-year-old fashion design student in Delhi narrates a recent incident, describing it as “the one that could have been, but wasn’t”. After a date matched on Tinder, Prasant met the person, “We went to his place and my god, what a place he had. All candles, wine glasses and long windows. Neither of us slept that night. It was all about music, holding hands, dancing and cuddles. He told me that he was leaving for the US next week and asked me if I’d want to meet him before he left.
“I kissed him and asked him to let this be our last meeting till he returned. He agreed. We still chat, and he makes me feel the same magical way I felt then. I was not in love with him, but something made me go crazy, and I didn’t want to know what could have been. I wanted to preserve that special memory for that special time.”
Setting the situationship apart from other accepted relationships is the ability to enjoy personal freedom. Focused monogamous relationships are known to be intimidating for some, and plain unhappy for others. When partners get fixated on attempting to make a success of a committed relationship, it puts tremendous pressure on both parties.
But when this factor is removed from the equation, it becomes easier for people to assess their true feelings towards the other person, and work towards making it successful together.
Chandni Tugnait, life coach and Tinder’s in-house relationship expert, explains, “A situationship is an undefined, easygoing and commitment-free relationship. It is like an informal arrangement that goes beyond the conventions of an exclusive relationship. Young adults are increasingly embracing this concept as it’s a low-pressure way of getting to know somebody based on the present moment. They don’t want to be tied down or forced to follow a linear structure or milestones that a conventional relationship holds. Situationships are about honesty and stating your needs and asking for what you want. They offer more room for interpretation and freedom to explore what works for someone in the current stage of their life.”
The Bad
While situationships are readily adopted as a convenient option by some, things can go wrong if the partners aren’t on the same page. If one partner starts expecting more from the situationship than the other is willing to give, it can lead to anger and resentment, which comes out later in the form of toxic behaviour. It may also mean having to deal with unresolved feelings and a sense of leaving things hanging, as technically, the couple were never together. This may lead to a deep sense of regret from having wasted months or even years in a stagnant relationship.
Grating expectations is the story of Damini, a 29-year-old content creator who met 31- year-old graphic designer Nakul at a local bar in Chennai. They hit it off immediately, chatting away late into the night. Over the next six months, they hung out together regularly, mostly watching Netflix and ordering in. Rarely did they go on real dates or spend time with other people, but their relationship wasn’t limited to sex, since they genuinely seemed to enjoy each other’s company.
Soon, Damini reached the tipping point where she could see herself seriously settling down with Nakul, but things just didn’t seem to be moving forward. She didn’t want to force the DTR (Define the Relationship) talk, worried that she would scare him away. But unsure of what else to do, she brought it up with him one day.
“He immediately backed off. He said it was fun while it lasted, but he wasn’t interested in anything more than that. I was quite upset at the time and questioned myself on having read the signals wrongly, but now I’m so grateful that it stopped when it did. Else it would have just kept dragging on,” she says.
Sybil Shiddell, Country Manager (India) of the Gleeden app, which connects people who are looking for extra-marital dating, weighs in, “Since this kind of situation is unchangeable, one may end up feeling stuck.
A situationship is interesting as it has the possibility of becoming a committed relationship, but it could just as easily be discarded at the drop of a hat because people don’t define it from the start. It could be everything and it could be nothing. I believe it’s very hard on the people stuck in this kind of situation, especially those who hope it evolves into something else.
It takes a toll on their mental health as they don’t know where it’s going to go from here,” she says, adding, such situations are becoming increasingly popular with every passing day because young people don’t know what they want, and are too scared to define what they want. “They want chances and options, but eventually they end up with nothing because they are indecisive,” she says.
The Ugly
Decisiveness can be a double-edged weapon. Arnav, a 30-year-old entrepreneur from Pune, met 29-year-old dancer Gauri, in Goa on holiday. Their chemistry was undeniable, and they ended up going home together. After spending six days indoors with each other, they parted ways, promising to stay in touch.
Arnav took her seriously and began a robust phone-and-text relationship with Gauri, calling her up every single day to chat for hours on end. He even sent gifts and flowers to her place. A couple of months later, he decided to surprise her with a visit and was shocked to learn that she was married to a local contractor and is mother to a three-year-old.
Gauri’s point is that “Arnav was a fun distraction from the demands of home and work, and I thought he understood that. I didn’t expressly tell him that I was married but that was to add spice to the relationship. I also didn’t feel it was necessary for him to know every aspect of my life. Plus, we never had a conversation about our own situation. It’s not like we were in a defined relationship, so where did his expectations come from?” Arnav, on the other hand, was devastated.
He shares, “I had fallen for her so hard, and was already thinking of how I would introduce her to my parents. Seeing her caught unawares in a domestic situation was so shocking. I don’t think I’ll be able to trust women for a long time now. Maybe my parents are right and I should just meet a good girl through them. At least they will do their due diligence.”
The Arnav-Gauri example suggests that the nature of a situationship depends largely on open communication and the setting of boundaries from the very beginning. If one of the partners wants more, they need to speak up to be taken seriously. If they receive a non committal response to this conversation, it will be made clear that the other person has no plans of changing the way they are, any time soon.
It will also help in distinguishing from being ‘friends with benefits’. In the latter, people involved are friends for at least a period of time and follow a strict policy of not developing any feelings for the other, while still having sex with each other. In situationships, however, the boundaries are blurred, and romantic feelings are easy to develop, especially if no conversations to define the status have taken place. This is where the mirrors get smoky.
The Future of Dating?
Sure, dating apps and social media have accelerated the possibility of situationships as a more prevalent option. Stories about situationship abound on digital platforms. TikTok videos tagged #situationship have generated over 839 million views. Videos under #situationships have also racked up millions of views.
The paradigm owes its popularity mainly to GenZ, who are highly collaborative, self reliant and, above all, pragmatic, as Stanford University researchers have profiled, summing up the predicaments of those like Arnav and Damini neatly.
Other reasons include the cultural change in the expectations Indians have of relationships in general as people get married later in life; many prefer to explore relationships in a less structured way without the pressure to commit and instead prioritise themselves and their
personal growth. The ambiguity that accompanies hooking up with many people at once appeals to people over the boring idea of ‘settling down’ with one.
For others, the appeal of the situation lies in simply not having to define the situation they find themselves in. When it’s easy and it’s working for some people, they don’t feel the pressure to label it, which is a construct that society thrusts upon us.
This is evident in the case of 27-year-old Jai in Gurugram, who is in a serious relationship for eight years and is active on Gleeden too.
He says, “I have been its member since February. I’m in a long-term relationship and I tend to consider myself as being ‘in crisis’. Through Gleeden, I’ve met many people. While there were some relationships that were platonic and just friendly, I’ve had many more of those that today are called ‘situationships’, which have been amazing experiences. Being with someone for a longer period is important to me and my attachment style. With the app, I am able to do that without the burden of a commitment and that has helped me understand relationships better. Moreover, these ‘situationships’ help one more than you would imagine, and you confide in your partner more than you would expect.”
The age-old trope of commitment pressure and finding an escape valve resonates with people in situationships in a less aggressive manner. Take 24-year-olds Prasant and Meera from Guwahati who met on Tinder.
They say, “Our story may look incomplete when viewed in a conventional way. People are smitten by the idea of ‘made for each other’. But in our situationship, the understanding we had was undefined. There was no pressure to know everything about each other or even make any kind of decision. We loved this aspect of it because it allowed us to have a stronger connection and conversation and a deep level of emotional intimacy, even though it was momentary. This was liberating for both of us.”
The undefined relationship isn’t a new discovery by any means. Panna Kamaljit, the chief psychologist behind the matrimonial website Not So Arranged, shares, “Individuals found themselves in such situations much before dating apps were even a thing. The only difference is that now there is a word for it as with so many new dating terms.”
There are no signals that situationships are the future of dating or just another type of relationship status, which will continue to co-exist with singledom and serious relationships, as it always has. Being on the same page about one’s expectations and the reality of the situation is advisable for all relationships, situational or serious.
The ability of modern lovers to be forthright about their needs and desires is perhaps the only difference between dating in a contemporary scenario and that of earlier times. This allows both partners to be in charge—in a situationship or outside of it.
(Some names have been changed to maintain anonymity)
10 SIGNS YOU ARE IN A SITUATIONSHIP
HOW TO NAVIGATE YOUR SITUATIONSHIP
Keep communication lines open
Set boundaries early on
Be frank about the fact that you are seeing other people
Avoid being passive-aggressive
Identify your feelings and be honest about them
According to Tinder Year in Swipe 2022 Report, the app saw 49% increase in members adding the new relationship intention to their profiles and over 1 in 10 surveyed globally said they prefer situationships as a way to develop a relationship with less pressure
(from bios Jan-Oct 2022; among users aged 18-24 in UK, US, AU)
PROS
Partners are free to make own decisions and explore their passions not confined to a single person
Pressure to make a relationship succeed is less
Less consumption of emotional energy
Allows companions intimacy without commitment
Convenient for commitment phobes and undecided
CONS
Lack of consistent and stable support
Can become toxic if one partner starts wanting more
A person’s relationship status on social media to an extent contributes to their identity and plays a role in determining social dynamics. Without a clear status, the other could feel lacking.
Emotional vulnerability could cause mental health issues
Studies show people constantly in situationships tend to devalue themselves Ambiguity leads to mental conflict
Terms and Conditions Applied
Cookie jar relationships: Dating multiple people before deciding who will be a better fit as a partner
Benching: Keeping someone on the hook because either one is not ready to commit or doesn’t feel for the other
Roaching: Hiding from the other that one is involved with multiple people at the same time
Umfriend: When two people are together, but it isn’t official because none has made the move.
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