The tween years are a time of emotional growth and exploration. Kayal Arivalan seeks expert advice to help you guide your child to navigate the complexities of early relationships

“I was dropping my eight-year-old son off at school when he suddenly asked me, ‘What is a crush?’ Caught completely off guard, I had to stop the car as panic set in. Then I looked over, and there he was completely relaxed and as cheerful as ever. As a millennial mom to a Gen Alpha child, I realised that this was one of those topics that needed to be addressed.

I remember having similar conversations with my mom at the tail end of my teenage years, but kids today are exposed to so much more at a much younger age. It’s important to guide tweens (eight- to 12-year-olds) with the right information. Liking someone is completely normal for children, and they might not have caught romantic feelings; it could simply be admiration or affection.

As children transition from primary school to the tween years, they begin to experience a whirlwind of changes, in everything from their emotions to their social circles. For many, this is also the time when early relationships, whether in the form of close friendships or crushes, start to become a more prominent part of their lives. This phase is exciting and often confusing, and parents, caregivers, and mentors have a huge responsibility in helping them understand their feelings in a healthy, positive way.”

No Judgement, Please!

“It is essential to maintain open communication with your child, free from judgement. Tweens, in particular, might hesitate to share their feelings and experiences for fear of being misunderstood. Tweens begin to rely more on external validation, and it’s crucial to help them understand that their worth is not solely based on the approval of others,” explains Mumbai-based Sheetal Kapoor, co-founder of the publishing platform Brainologi and co-host of the parenting podcast Homework Hustle, adding, “Engage in conversations that highlight their strengths, whether academic, personal or social.”

“Tweens begin to rely more on external validation, and it’s crucial to help them understand that their worth is not solely based on the approval of others”
— Sheetal Kapoor

Set Healthy Boundaries

“While a first crush might seem innocent, it is essential to set boundaries. Discuss what constitutes respectful behaviour, emphasising the importance of consent, kindness, and mutual respect in relationships.

Boundaries are essential in all relationships,” Sheetal agrees. “Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where both individuals feel valued. Help your child understand that it is important for both them and the ‘crush’ to feel happy and respected.”

“A display of controlling behaviour or anger when their wishes aren’t met is a sign that boundaries are not being respected. Relationships should bring joy, not pain, and it’s crucial to help your child understand that it’s okay to walk away from people who do not treat you well.”

Encourage your child to communicate openly and to not feel pressured into acting on feelings they aren’t ready to explore.

Check Your Own Value System

“A parent’s value system plays a crucial role in shaping how the experience is understood and navigated by the child,” says Swati Jagdish, also known as Maya’s Amma. A Chennai-based psychologist, sexuality health educator, and mom to a 10-year-old daughter, she emphasises the importance of the right approach during these early years.

“Parents who prioritise open communication and emotional support create an environment where children feel safe to express their feelings without fear of judgement. The parents’ approach matters at home,” she avers.

“When they are open and accepting of pre-teen crushes, the child will feel comfortable having a conversation.”

“On the other hand, if parents are unwilling to adjust the value system they themselves grew up with, their approach will not evolve,” she explains.

“In such cases, the child might choose to keep their feelings hidden. Swati adds, “If one parent is more lenient, the child will likely grow closer to them and share their thoughts with them. If, however, neither parent is approachable, the child might look for someone else to confide in.”

“The key,” she says, “is for parents to be open-minded and supportive, providing a safe space for their children to navigate their emotions and early relationships.”

Remember, while these early relationships might seem fleeting in the grand scheme of life, they play an important role in helping young people understand themselves and others.

“When parents are open and accepting of pre-teen crushes, the child will feel comfortable having a conversation”
— Swati Jagdish

BE A GUIDING LIGHT

“Creating a supportive environment while maintaining appropriate boundaries helps tweens navigate relationships confidently, setting the foundation for healthy emotional connections,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, life alchemist, coach, healer, and founder and director of Gateway of Healing, Gurugram.

She shares a few ways to guide your tweens through this phase:

● Encourage tweens to document their feelings through private ‘emotion journals’ or digital recordings.

● Instead of directly discussing their relationships, use parallel scenarios, such as pet relationships or plant care responsibilities.

● Create role-play scenarios using stuffed animals or action figures to practise setting boundaries.

● Help tweens understand the concept of ‘emotional bank accounts’ in friendships and early romantic interests. Teach them to recognise how different actions and words either deposit or withdraw from these metaphorical accounts, promoting mindful social interactions.

● Teach tweens to identify their ‘emotional weather patterns’ recognising triggers that might lead to relationship storms, sunny periods of happiness, or cloudy times of uncertainty. This metaphorical framework helps them predict and prepare for emotional fluctuations.

“Creating a supportive environment while maintaining appropriate boundaries helps tweens navigate relationships confidently, setting the foundation for healthy emotional connections”
— Dr Chandni Tugnait

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, HEALTHIER YOU

Building and maintaining good relationships — be it with your partner, friends and loved ones, or colleagues — has several benefits for your wellbeing. Kalwyna Rathod speaks to experts to uncover these

Numerous studies show that our relationships with others and how we interact with them impacts not just our mood and emotional state, but our physical health as well.

Chintan Naik, clinical psychologist, Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) practitioner and trainer practising in Mumbai and Ahmedabad for the last 15 years, puts it simply: “As humans, we are wired to connect with others. While healthy relationships are essential to our emotional and mental wellbeing, building and maintaining them requires a deep understanding of ourselves and the social skills to navigate complex interactions.”

Mumbai-based author and relationship coach Dr Nidhika Bahl adds, “In life, there are two kinds of nourishment. Primary foods are the fuel you put in your body: the nutrients, the vitamins, the proteins, and the healthy fats. But secondary foods, such as relationships, career satisfaction, and personal growth, are just as critical. You can eat the cleanest diet in the world but, if your relationships are toxic, it will drain your energy, spike your stress, and wreak havoc on your body.”

Healthy Relationships Crush Stress And Build Resilience

Healthy relationships release powerful feel-good hormones such as oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which lowers the stress hormone cortisol. When you’re supported and connected, you’re more resourceful, more grounded, and better equipped to handle life’s challenges.

“BUILDING AND MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRES A DEEP UNDERSTANDING OF OURSELVES”
— CHINTAN NAIK

Healthy Relationships Boost Heart Health

A loving relationship, whether it’s with a partner or close friends, keeps your heart strong, literally and figuratively. Studies show that people with supportive connections have lower blood pressure and a reduced risk of cardiovascular disease.

Why? Because positive energy keeps you out of the ‘fight or flight’ stress response.

Healthy Relationships Supercharge Your Immune System

Your emotions affect your biology. When you’re surrounded by uplifting, empowering relationships, your body releases endorphins that strengthen your immune system. If, on the other hand, you’re constantly dealing with toxic people, your immune system takes a hit, leaving you vulnerable to illness.

BUILD RELATIONSHIPS TO BUILD YOUR HEALTH

Dr Nidhika Bahl shares actionable tips…

➔ Prioritise Positive Energy: Choose relationships that fuel your growth, not ones that drain your energy.

➔ Communicate Like A Pro: Speak openly, listen actively, and show empathy.

➔ Set Standards, Not Boundaries: Don’t just ‘tolerate’ relationships; demand greatness in them.

➔ Gratitude Is Everything: Make appreciation a daily ritual — relationships thrive on it.

➔ Invest In Yourself First: When you show up as your best self, you attract the same energy from others.

Healthy Relationships Enhance Your Mental Clarity

In a world full of distractions, clarity is power. When you’ve got supportive relationships, your mind is free from unnecessary drama and negativity. This allows you to focus on what truly matters — your goals, your vision, and your purpose.

Healthy Relationships Inspire Healthy Habits

Great relationships encourage you to grow into your best self. Whether it’s a friend who challenges you to hit the gym, a partner who shares healthy meals with you, or a colleague who inspires greatness, the people around you shape your habits. Toxic relationships, on the other hand, pull you into unhealthy patterns.

THE SENSE OF SELF: LAYING THE FOUNDATION

Chintan explains that a strong sense of self is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. This encompasses self-esteem, self-concept, and self-image.

“It is essential to recognise and understand the various parts within ourselves, including our defence mechanisms,” he avers.

“By developing unconditional compassion for all aspects of ourselves, we can integrate our fragmented selves and become more whole.”

As children, we rely on others for attachment and approval. However, as adults, we must take responsibility for our own emotional wellbeing. This means recognising that our inner child’s need for comfort and security is our adult self’s responsibility, not someone else’s.

By developing self-emotional regulation and awareness, we can respond to challenging situations more mindfully,” he adds.

SOCIAL SKILLS: NAVIGATING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Chintan shares the five levels of social emotional intimacy, each with its own unspoken rules of engagement, as per Dean Jaitlos, an EMDR psychotherapist and trainer.

These levels include:

1. SMILING STRANGERS: Basic social interactions
2. HERD MEMBERS: Shared interests and group affiliations
3. FRIENDS: Deeper connections and trust
4. BEST FRIENDS: Intimate sharing and vulnerability
5. LIFE PARTNER: Deep emotional intimacy and commitment

To navigate these levels effectively, one must develop the skills to recognise and respect the unspoken rules of engagement. The rules vary as per the level of intimacy to define the appropriateness of the social behaviour.

“Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of self-awareness and social skills,” Chintan points out.

“By developing a strong sense of self and cultivating emotional intelligence, we can navigate complex social interactions with greater ease and confidence. Remember, nurturing healthy relationships requires effort, patience, and a willingness to grow and learn. By investing in ourselves and our relationships, we can create a more empathetic and connected world.”