Query: My husband gets turned on by porn but I totally dislike it. He always pushes me to watch porn before we initiate sex and honestly it doesn’t get me turned on, in fact it makes me feel sick. I haven’t been able to tell him clearly as I don’t want him to feel embarrassed about it. I want to approach the topic safely. What should I do?
Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. It is understandable how daunting this situation may be for you.
It can be difficult to approach topics like this with your partner, especially when you are worried about hurting his feelings or embarrassing him. But the fact is that if this is something that’s important to him, then you need to find a way to make it work for both of you.
There are a few things you can do in order to broach the topic safely. The first step is to understand why he’s drawn to porn in the first place. Is it because he enjoys the visual stimulation? The novelty of seeing new bodies? The taboo nature of it? Once you understand what it is about porn that turns him on, you can start looking for alternatives that might provide the same level of excitement for him.
Second, try to avoid judgmental language and instead focus on how you are feeling. For example, rather than saying “I hate porn,” you could say “I don’t enjoy watching porn.” This will help your husband feel more comfortable opening up about his own views on the subject. Have an authentic communication with him.
Thirdly, be prepared to compromise. If you are struggling to come to an agreement, this doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship or that there’s anything wrong with either of you as a couple. If your husband enjoys watching porn, maybe there is a way that you can find a middle ground that meets both of your needs. For example, you could agree to watch one video together or look at photos instead of videos. Or maybe, he can watch porn without involving you, or maybe you can watch certain types of porn that don’t make you feel uncomfortable.
By working together towards a common goal, you can hopefully find a way to enjoy an exciting and fulfilling sexual relationship despite your differences in opinion on pornography. The most important thing is that both of you are honest and open about your feelings on pornography.
Lastly, I would recommend that if you/your husband are looking for a change in perspective or are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, and the uneasiness around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. It might be helpful to consult a therapist who can help you navigate these difficult conversations. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!
Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director – Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.
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