“I think my teen son is attracted to my friend”

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Query: My teen son has suddenly become extremely close to one of my friends. Whenever she comes home, he gives her the biggest bear hug and wants to sit next to her all the time. I found it endearing to begin with but I have started finding it concerning now.

Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. I completely understand how emotionally confusing this whole situation may be for you. Your concern for your son’s closeness to your friend is justified and it’s essential that you and your teen discuss the boundaries that are important to you. I do hope that you aren’t getting worried due to overthinking in this regard and have observed the situation objectively and hence feel the need to intervene.

From what you shared, I understand that you are concerned being a mother and find it difficult to explain to your son the importance of creating healthy boundaries. Boundaries are important when it comes to friendships with adults, and even otherwise. A teen’s relationship with an adult is different from one they have with a peer, one that has a higher degree of interaction and testing. Many teens want to test the boundaries of this friendship and see how far they can push before being refused or cut off all together.

Explore the notion that boundaries may need to be more clearly defined between the three of you.

The goal for any parent should be to help the teen understand that they need these boundaries to not only feel more in control but also to experience fulfilling relationships. To begin with, have a compassionate interaction with your son (without any judgments or suggestions) and assess his points of view and feelings. Have an authentic communication around boundaries and ask your son what kind of boundary would work for him; avoid saying “no hugs” because it could be too nebulous of a command! Offer suggestions if he is receptive, else connect him to a counsellor or a therapist who can help him map his emotions as well as the emotional dependency, in a better way.

You could also chat with your friend to see what she feels about it. The more experienced person should also accept those firm boundaries so that both can find fulfillment within their relationship. In addition, parents can help facilitate what those lines might be by setting some guidelines around who might visit the home, how much time can be spent together, etc.

As a parent, remember, no one can change another person’s boundaries. One’s boundaries are always ours to respect and maintain, even if we consciously choose to share them generously or not at all. Help your son uncover this for himself, not just with regards to your friend but, in general as well. Let him know that consequently, our lives will become so much easier if we take the time to figure out what our own personal boundaries are – what do we want, how do we want it delivered and expressed?

It can be a difficult time in a teen’s life when they start generating feelings of fondness for an adult who they spend lot of time with. The good news is that it can be managed through open communication and staying aware.

Use this as an opportunity to set an example for him on appropriate behavior towards females in general, while strengthening your own bond as mother and son.

As a teenager, it’s natural to want to hang out with adults. There is nothing wrong with desiring to be accepted, as social interaction is the cornerstone of development. Granted, there are different types of friends people have throughout their lives and during various stages of emotional growth. However, since you mentioned that your son is close to only this one friend of yours, it’s imperative to hold the space for him as you help him identify his feelings and explain how friendships vary and have limits too.

It sounds like you’re very close with your son and care about his happiness which is wonderful! As he grows up, though, it’s going to become more challenging and hence it is important you empower him with tools of relationship mastery. Inform him and then let him make his own decisions. For example, you might want to say something like this to him, “I’m very glad because I know how close you are with my friend ____. We all treasure our space though and it’s important to be considerate about her space too.” Ask him for his views & then ask for his support in making those boundaries; this is one way of stating that he needs to respect them as well. Such a request emphasizes the value that boundaries provide for each individual within a friendship.

What works for one teen may not work for the other so be compassionate as you deal with the issue at hand. Often teens are looking for validations from their parents and other adults so, be there for him as he processes his dilemma, if any.

Allow your son to take ownership for his actions & decisions and facilitate whatever is needed in the process. Your son is yearning for connection at the core of it all. I know how you may feel about all this and would like to ease things out immediately, but, see this as an opportunity to enable your son to master emotions, relations, communication and boundaries.

Lastly, I would recommend that if you/your son are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, patterns and the confusion around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. I hope this helps!

For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.

Stay Blessed!

Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director – Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.

If you have a parenting query to share, send it to us at times.parenting@gmail.com