Query: My husband stays so busy with his work commitments that we barely get to spend time together. During this time I got back in touch with an ex. He is always there to support me and I depend a lot on him. I don’t want to end my relationship but I hate lying to my husband.
Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. I completely understand how tricky this situation may be for you.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are spending more time with your ex than your husband, it is important to have an honest conversation with both parties.It is possible to maintain a healthy relationship with both, but it will require compromise and communication. Talk to your husband about your concerns and explain that you need more quality time together. Suggest ways that he can make more time for you, such as taking on less work commitments or hiring a babysitter so you can have date nights.
Explain to your ex that you are still committed to your husband and ask him to respect your decision. Let him know that you appreciate his support but that you need to focus on your marriage. If both parties are willing to work together, it is possible to have a successful relationship with both, if that’s what you would like. However, if either party is not willing to compromise, it may be necessary to end one of the relationships.
If you are unhappy with the amount of time you are spending with your husband, it is important to communicate this to him directly. It is possible that he is unaware of how much his work is impacting your relationship and would be willing to make changes if he knew how important it was to you. If you can’t come to an agreement on how to spend more time together, it may be necessary to seek help from a relationship coach.
As for your ex, it’s important to consider what your motives are for staying in touch with him. If you’re using him as a crutch because you’re unhappy in your marriage, that’s not fair to either of you. However, if you genuinely enjoy his company and find that he supports you in ways your husband doesn’t, then there’s nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship. It is also important to consider whether or not your relationship with your ex is purely platonic. If there are feelings involved, it may be necessary to end things with him in order to focus on your marriage. However, if you feel like you can maintain a friendship with your ex without jeopardising your relationship with your husband, it may be worth considering. Ultimately, the decision is yours and you will need to weigh all factors before making a decision.
Just be honest with both your husband and your ex about your feelings as lying about the situation will cause more damage to all of you in future.
Also, take ownership for your decisions and facilitate whatever is needed in the process. Use this as an opportunity to identify your needs, master emotions, relations, communication and most importantly instill self love and self worth! Address the core issues that prompted you to get in a situation like this, in the first place. Our relationships with other people always involve different levels of closeness and intimacy. It is important you and your husband work towards making your marriage better as the lack of catharsis creates havoc in relationships.
Showing maturity, having authentic communication and exhibiting compassion can be really supportive for all you, currently. In case your husband takes time to accept the situation, don’t snap back at him. Try to get him to see that there’s nothing to worry about and that your relationship with your husband is not threatened in any way by your friendship with your ex. Trust takes time to be built so allow him that. Work towards building a strong foundation through the right words, actions and behaviours. For a while, distance yourself from your ex, if need be; know that healthy boundaries are good for every relationship. We often fear distance and space, thinking it would dissolve a relationship, however, giving space and maintaining boundaries actually help a relationship to thrive.
Take care of yourself in the process. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by thoughts, write down your feelings in a journal in order to process them better. Be clear with what you truly want, first. Approach the situation with compassion and gratitude.
Lastly, I would recommend that if you/your husband are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, hurt and the confusion around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!
For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.
Stay Blessed!
Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director – Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad
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