Has your longtime partner just shared a surprise revelation about their identity, or has your spouse been contemplating how to come out to you? Here are a few tips on how to support your bi-partner.
While we are yet to see a world where LGBTQAI+ people feel welcomed and understood, increased representation and decreasing homophobia have led to many people coming out with their sexualities. Coming out as bisexual to a partner requires courage because honesty around sexual fluidity is still culturally taboo. Despite progressive legal strides, society still perpetuates monosexual assumptions and harmful bisexual stereotypes that stigmatise those embracing richer identities.
Having a bisexual partner for the first time can feel daunting. In a world where bisexuality is stigmatised and misunderstood, it’s natural that you may wonder how exactly the relationship dynamic could be affected by your differing sexualities. Here’s what experts believe are the best ways to be the best partner you can be to your bisexual other half.
Create An Open Dialogue
Shweta Sangtani was almost five years into her marriage with Aashish Mehrotra when he came out as bisexual to her. Her first reaction was of surprise – why hadn’t he told her sooner? “My first question was, “How long have you known?” He told me he had been thinking about it and had an inkling for a while. We are the best of friends, so my only concern was to make him feel safe in the conversation,” shares Sangtani, who now runs Sangya Project, a platform for destigmatised, trauma-informed and kink-affirmative sex education with Mehrotra and Tanisha RK. For others going through the same situation, she suggests taking a deep breath and creating an open dialogue. “You must remember that whatever you say to your partner when they come out to you, they will remember for the rest of your life. So make sure you pay heed to the conversation, and ensure it is a safe space for your partner to discuss their needs and sexuality,” she adds.
Bisexuality Does Not Mean Your Relationship Will Change
Many people assume that if their partners come out to them as bi, it could signal the end of their relationship. There is a difference between sexual orientation and relationship orientation. Dr Chandni Tugnait, a practising psychotherapist and life coach, suggests conversations that challenge these assumptions. “You need to check for any misconceptions that you might have, for example, that bisexuality makes someone more likely to cheat or is the end of your relationship. Many individuals wrongly assume that bi+ people always want to have multiple partners or are sleeping with people of different genders. People can be bisexual yet adhere to a monogamous relationship style. You can reassure your partner of your monogamous commitment if you have one. Affirm that their bisexual identity is as real, valid and meaningful as any other sexual orientation, not just an experimental ‘phase’. Don’t expect or demand proof.”
Ask Questions But Guard Their Feelings
Naturally, you may feel sceptical about this newfound information. But any negative reaction can enforce feelings of rejection in your Bi-partner and hurt your relationship. Dr Tugnait suggests asking open-ended questions. “Thank them for their courage and trust in confiding in you. Make sure they feel safe, accepted and loved for who they are. Avoid judgment or insensitive questions. You must also guard their confidentiality and let them disclose to others at their own pace and comfort level to avoid accidental ‘outings’,” she adds.
It is also essential to ensure they feel it’s a safe space. “Regardless of whether your relationship can continue, someone has taken the vulnerable step of coming out to you. It is a very delicate moment; if it is not handled carefully, it will bring about a lot of shame and insecurity for the person which they will carry with them,” adds Sangtani.
Keep Learning Together
No matter what your relationship structure is, you can both go on a journey towards exploring sexual identities. There are always more dimensions around identity and orientation left to explore. Experts suggest reading, listening to podcasts and watching documentaries to keep growing your mutual knowledge as allies. “Help them find bisexual community, whether locally or online. While you aim to support, connecting with those who share the experience is invaluable,” adds Tugnait.
It is understandable if all of this feels like a significant amount to absorb. However, remember that this is your partner’s personal journey, and if you’re reading this, you already love and care for them a lot. All you have to do now is to demonstrate it.
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