‘It’s about the journey and not the destination’: Why Gen Z daters are switching to ‘NATO’ mode

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Some might argue that this is simply an old perfume repackaged in a new bottle. Millennials’ ‘casual strolling’ or ‘living in the moment’ has transformed into Gen Z’s ‘Not Attached to an Outcome.’ However, young singles are no longer fervently pursuing their ‘happily ever afters’ like previous generations. At least, this is what Tinder’s annual Year in Swipe report, sharing the state of dating in 2023, suggests. Today, singles are less concerned about having a rigid checklist for commitment and are more interested in embracing dating as a path of self-discovery.

According to the report, 65% of young singles in India using Tinder’s ‘relationship type’ feature said they are “open to exploring,” while a quarter (25%) using the ‘relationship goals‘ feature are “still figuring it out.”

Among these daters is Arnav Alok Goel, founder at Thirty40 Tennis Academies, who prefers to “go with the flow” and see how he connects with the person, rather than fixating on an outcome. “I am open to anything and everything,” he says.

In fact, this mindset has significantly improved his dating experience. “I am able to talk to everyone with an open mind, and the discussions end up being deep and intriguing.” This let’s-see-where-it-goes attitude even helped him meet his girlfriend.

After getting hurt several times as his dating expectations were never met, Ritik Jaiswal, a PR professional, too, resorted to the ‘NATO’ approach. But rather than it being a natural impulse like in the case of Goel, it was more of a forced instinct for him. “It’s better to go on a date without any expectations, instead of attaching any outcome to it,” the 26-year-old says.

Anjana PV, a journalist, on the other hand, is not a big fan of ‘NATO’ dating. “Ultimately, I end up looking only for serious relationships on dating platforms,” she says. However, on the upside, this approach helped her learn new things and skills. “I made a few friends who made me feel good when I moved to a new city and helped me get familiar with the place.”

So, what exactly is ‘NATO’ dating?

NATO, or ‘Not Attached to an Outcome’ dating signifies a more open-minded and liberating approach to dating where daters are less concerned about the outcomes of a relationship. “Rather than being fixated on predetermined outcomes, individuals prioritise the experience itself and enjoy the process of getting to know someone — leaving the future open to exploration,” explains Dr Chandni Tugnait, life coach and Tinder India’s relationship expert.

This trend can be attributed to Gen Z’s collective desire to challenge societal norms and timelines that traditionally governed relationships.

“For Gen Z, it’s about the journey and not the destination. They want to seize the moment, create memorable experiences and enjoy the freedom and lightness that comes with experiencing each step of the way,” says Khyati Kanji, a psychologist and art therapist.

While the conventional way of courtship or marriage was preferred initially, Kanji explains that Gen Z doesn’t have getting married or having kids as their topmost goals. “They don’t want the pressure of fitting into boxes and following the structured path.”

Sagrikaa Rastogi, a counseling psychologist, agrees with the same. “Gen Z, a generation whose identity has been shaped by a variety of major changes — ranging from digital advancements to financial rollercoasters to Covid-19 — has evolved to see the world through their own lens rather than limiting themselves,” she says.

Although everyone has their own trajectories in terms of relationships and dating, Rastogi feels that Gen Z is “a much more ambitious generation that aims to achieve different heights in their lives while keeping themselves open to new things.”

According to her, NATO allows them to understand and assess their feelings for others, without any pressure of thinking about the future. “This ‘present-oriented’ mindset gives them more freedom to choose their own romantic narrative,” Rastogi says.

Here are some benefits ‘NATO’ dating offers, as per Sidhharrth S Kumaar, relationship coach & chief happiness officer, NumroVani:

*Less pressure: Individuals may experience less pressure and worry about the direction of the relationship if they are not fixated on a particular result. This can contribute to a more laid-back and pleasurable dating experience.

*No fear of rejection: Many times, people start questioning their self-worth if they get rejected in relationships, which impacts their well-being. Since NATO is not associated with any immediate or destined destination, it is easier to absorb emotional turmoil.

*Personal growth: Each date, regardless of its outcome, becomes an opportunity for valuable lessons, whether it’s improved communication, a clearer understanding of desires in a partner, or the recognition of potential red flags.

*Building self-awareness: ‘NATO’ dating provides a variety of opportunities for encounters and conversations, enabling people to investigate various relationship types and gauge what they find satisfying. This gives them the luxury, space, and time to form authentic connections without the pressure of judgment.

However, critics argue that this trend could lead to confusion in dating dynamics. “Without any clear goal, people might not have clarity on where they stand with each other,” Rastogi says. To ensure this doesn’t happen, she emphasises the importance of active communication and building a common understanding of what each person wants.

At the same time, it is important for individuals to reflect on why they have adopted the ‘NATO’ approach. “Getting into this dynamic because of a fear of commitment and abandonment or to avoid responsibilities that come with being in a steady relationship would hinder self-growth and ultimately negatively impact the mental health of the individual. If, however, this choice is made from a space of self-awareness and self-love, only then can it be counted as healthy and worthwhile,” Kanji says.